


I'm not okay, I swear on it.

by broken_bird



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Boys Kissing, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, First fic on this account, Friendship, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I apologize in advance, I have a rough outline, I'm sorry Tsukishima, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, In the end, Kinda, Kissing, Lots of Crying, Multi, My First Work in This Fandom, No Plot/Plotless, Non-Canon Relationship, Not Beta Read, Or something of the sort, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Protective Akaashi Keiji, Protective Bokuto Koutarou, Protective Boyfriends, Protective Kuroo Tetsurou, Swearing, Tsukishima Akiteru is a Bad Brother, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Tsukishima Kei-centric, actually, but i'm also not, but only slightly - Freeform, cause I suck at keeping to a schedule, expect random updates, i think, i'll add more tags as this develops, it'll turn out okay, no, probably, so Imma just wing it, you chose to read this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 07:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23467519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_bird/pseuds/broken_bird
Summary: Tsukishima can’t remember why his relationship with his brother seems so tense. He can’t remember why it seems like there’s something constantly being referenced to him. He can’t remember what happened. Until he can.Three days before his brother commits suicide something happens.Two days before his brother dies, he remembers everything.One day before, he’s paranoid by the eyes that follow him.The day of, he snaps.The day after, Karasuno is meant to take a trip to Tokyo for a training camp with Nekoma and Fukurodani. Tsukishima is determined to go and keep his memories a secret, but when everything becomes too much, who’s gonna find out and pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 37
Kudos: 204





	1. I wish I couldn't remember what you did.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to add Seijoh, but I would most definitely mess up writing them and I didn't really know how to add them cause I didn't plan my rough outline with them in it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to this fic, I have decided to start writing.

It was fine. It was all fine. Why did this happen, what did he do? No. No. No. It's not what  _ he _ did, it's what his  _ brother _ did. It was all fine until he got home. It was a good day even. He just took one step into the house and his whole life went downhill.

***

Tsukishima walked through the door of his house, twisting his arm around to return his keys to the rightful pocket of his dark green school bag. Kicking off his shoes he placed them neatly to the side. He looked up as his brother rounded the corner, "Welcome back, mom's not gonna be home till late tonight, so we'll order takeout when you're hungry. How was school?"

Directing his attention back to unpacking his schoolbag he muttered, "It was fine. I have homework to do, so I'll be in my room." Having said that, he swung his backpack over his shoulder and continued to his room. He dropped by the kitchen to unpack his lunch on the way. Swinging open the door to his bedroom, Tsukishima flopped down unceremoniously on his dinosaur-themed bed sheets, his head hitting the pillow with a grunt, and reflected on his day.

Today was a good day or at least better then usual. He got a hundred on his math quiz, Yamaguchi and him ate lunch together, volleyball practice went smoother than usual. Even his boyfriends' were less annoying than usual, he still loves them annoying or not, but he'll never outrightly express that. He felt relaxed for the first time in a while. He was content to lay on the bed, but he had homework to do. Sitting up he moved to his desk and sat at the chair before bending over to grab his binder that contained his work for math. He ruffled through the papers for a minute before pulling out the assigned worksheet and started to work on them absentmindedly.

***

The door creaked open drawing his attention to the figure at his door. He glanced at the clock quickly, a red blocky, 5:30 stared at him as he returned his attention to his brother, Akiteru, who was standing in the doorway.

"Hey, how's your work coming along? I'm gonna order pizza, so let me know what you want, okay?"

"Uh, it's going fine, and pepperoni would be fine." He turned his attention back to his homework, only a few sheets left. If he was lucky he could finish them before the pizza arrived then he and his brother could spend some time together to play a board game or something.

Speaking of his brother, Tsukishima liked his brother, he was kind to him, for the most part. But there was always something off about him. His brother cared about him, but he almost seemed to care too much. He wanted to know everything about Tsukishima or as close as he could get to everything. He knew his favorite color, his shoe size, his height, his prescription for his glasses, and so much more. These bits of information may seem normal, but under the analytical stares of his brother it felt wrong. It felt obsessive. It felt  _ stalkerish _ .

That and the fact that he kept constantly referencing something he feels like he should know, something he does know. A memory perhaps that has been repressed, hidden for some unknown reason. Tsukishima believes that if he can remember what happened then, he might be able to piece together why everything feels so  _ wrong _ with his brother. It's his brother, so it can't be that bad, right?

His brother knocked on the door, "Pizza's here."

Tsukishima glanced up at the clock, focusing on the little, digitalized, block numbers, 6:15. It seems like he spaced out for longer then he thought he did when he was thinking. Oh well, he can always finish his homework after he eats. Tucking the worksheet back into the binder, he stood up and stretched his muscles which have started to get stuff from sitting in the same place for so long.

"Okay, I'm coming." Tsukishima followed his brother out of his room and down the hall to the kitchen table where a box of pizza laid. Grabbing a plate from the kitchen he sat down and opened the pizza box. Before he grabbed a piece he bowed his head and muttered softly, "Thank you for the food."

Grabbing a slice of pepperoni pizza, his brother mimicked what he just did before grabbing his own slice, and for a while they ate in silence. It wasn't that comfortable silence where both people are content to not talk, no. It's that awkward, tense silence that comes when it feels like there should be a conversation between the two people, but there isn't a conversation, and the air feels thick and weird. It's weird and it's too silent.

His brother gives a muffled cough breaking the silence before opening his mouth, "Uh, so, do you want to do something together after we eat?"

Tsukishima's gaze narrowed as he glared contemplating his choices at his food, his subconscious telling him not to, forcing his gut feeling down and ignoring it, he nodded slowly chewing on a bite of pizza, "What do you want to do?"

Akiteru smiled happily and he continued enthusiastically, "I was thinking we could play a board game together in my room or something."

The 'or something' was what Tsukishima should have taken note of, but he ignored it and nodded instead, "Okay."

"Great," his brother chirped excitedly and they both lapsed into a more comfortable silence as they both continued to eat their food.

Wiping his mouth, Tsukishima stood up and placed his plate in the kitchen sink, the clinking noise echoing softly in the sink. His brother followed suit placing the used plate neatly on top of the other, “So, what do you want to play?”

Tsukishima shrugged. To be honest he really didn’t care what they did, he just wanted to spend some time with his brother before he went back to working on his homework that he only had a sheet or so left to do.

Following his brother down the hall, Tsukishima couldn’t help but notice how much their footsteps contrasted. Where his footsteps were soft and almost silent on the beige carpet, his brother’s footsteps were louder and audible. In a way that kinda showed how their personalities were. His brother was always the more outgoing of the two, Tsukishima prefered to stay in the background, content on watching everyone else. Tsukishima didn’t really know how to socialize perhaps it was due to his height and how everyone found him intimidating, his brother, Akiteru, however was a perfect person to hang out with. Akiteru was charming, charismatic, and had a way of wrapping everyone around his finger. They were so different, yet so similar too.

His brother looked back at Tsukishima from his spot in the doorway, hand placed in the light switch, who was busy staring at the soft, beige carpet. He cleared his throat softly, successfully gaining Tsukishima's attention, "Are you going to come in or…"

Shaking his head slightly to jostle himself out of his thoughts, he nodded, "Uh, yeah."

Having had said that he walked silently into the room with navy blue walls. The lights flickered on behind him as he climbed on the bed and took a seat, sitting criss cross on the bed. He ran his hand over the pale blue colored quilt, staring down at his hand for a bit before looking at Akiteru, "So, what do you want to do?"

His brother rummaged through one of the drawers before pulling out a small rectangular package. Chucking the box at Tsukishima, and smirking when he fumbled to catch it, he asked nonchalantly, "Cards?"

Tsukishima nodded as he opened the box and began to set the cards up for a game of war. The bed dipped as his brother clambered on messing up the two neat piles Tsukishima had been working on. He reached out a hand and shoved his brother off the need drowning at his messed up piles. On the floor his brother whined, "Don't you love me Kei."

"No."

Directing his attention back to the pile of cards, his brother huffed as he clambered back on the bed, careful this time not to joste the pile of cards that Tsukishima was neatly splitting, "Wow. So cruel to your big brother."

“Then don’t mess up my cards,” Tsukishima scoffed lightly as he held out one of the decks to Akiteru for him to take, and they began to start flipping over the cards and exchanging them based on their values.

King of diamonds, ten of spades. Cards to Akiteru.

Four of hearts, eight of clubs. Cards to Tsukishima.

Ace of spades, ace of hearts. Place down three, flip the fourth. Cards to Akiteru.

The cycle repeats over and over again, trading cards as their decks grow and shrink, they exchange words, entertaining each other with questions that they either answered or danced around, careful not to pry too deep in each other's lives. The idle chit chat always ended in silence, both twoo absorbed in their own thoughts. The flipping and noise of the cards being the only noise in the empty house.

Queen of spades, ten of hearts. Cards to Akiteru. Game ends.

Tsukishima looks at the clock in his brother's room, the hands showing the time. 7:34pm. He moves to get up, he still has homework he needs to finish. His brother looks up from where he was nearly putting the cards back in their box, alerted by the sifting of the mattress. "Hey, you're leaving already?"

Tsukishima halted and looked back from where he was standing near the door nodding, he quietly replied, "Yeah."

"Oh, okay. I just need to do something...Can you come here for a second?"

He should have said no. He should have refused. He should have ran to his room. He should have done something, anything but go there. He should have trusted his gut and left. He should have been wary of the way his brother's eyes glinted predatorily, watching him hungrily, waiting for the right moment to pounce. He didn't though. He didn't listen. Maybe it was better, maybe it wouldn't, but if he did listen, he may have never found out the truth.

Despite the doubt brewing in his gut, Tsukishima nodded albeit hesitantly, "Uh, okay." He walked over towards the bed where his brother was sitting, stopping in front of the bed he tilted his head slightly to the right, "So, what do you need?"

A look of something that Tsukishima could not figure out what crossed his brother's face, leaving behind a madness glinting in his brown eyes. Quicker than he could process the movement Akiteru had grabbed his wrist and pulled him down to his level. They stared into each other's eyes, shocked honey-brown eyes staring at another pair of eyes the exact same color, almost as if they were looking into a mirror, but these eyes that Tsukishima's looked into lacked the warmth that was reflected in his. They were cold and hard. They were predatory. They were  _ hungry. _

Before Tsukishima could move his head a firm hand grabbed the back of his head and shoved him farther down to eye-level with his brother who was sitting on the bed. Hunched over in an awkward and uncomfortable position, Akiteru glanced into Tsukishima's eyes for a split second before roughly shoving his face at his younger brother's.

Swiftly locking their lips together, Akiteru gripped the back of Tsukishima's head preventing him from breaking free of their embrace. Rough hands pulled on the back of his head as he struggled to break free. This was wrong. He knew this was wrong. Why was his brother doing this? Why was he just letting this happen? Why couldn't he fight back? There was something sickeningly familiar about the feel of his brother's lips against his. He knew this feeling from somewhere before. It disgusted him.

His brother flipped him over so that he was straddling his hips, faces still inches apart as Tsukishima struggled against the shock of what just happened. Akiteru breathed heavily, his breaths coming in short puffs before dipping his head and connecting their lips again. Something snapped in Tsukishima's head, shocking him back into reality. His eyes burned as tears overflowed, spilling down his cheeks as he tried to get away. A tongue was shoved in his mouth as the kiss deepened. The unfamiliar muscle explored his mouth as Tsukishima cried silently. This was wrong. This was not right. This was  _ familiar. Why the fuck was this  _ **_familiar?_ **

His brother pulled away after what seemed like forever, breathing heavily due to the lack of oxygen. A trail of spit connected them together. "You look so pretty when you cry, Tsukki. It's a true pity that you can't remember what happened before. Maybe this'll jog your memory?" Having said that, he moved closer as if he was going to kiss him again. Tsukishima clenched his fingers into a fist, the shock wearing off. Everything in his body was screaming at him.  _ Get away. Get away. Get away. _

He felt dirty, filthy. He reared his foot back, curling his leg to his chest before pushing upwards, successfully dislodging the knee on his chest and losing the grip that held him down. Shoving away the hand that cupped his cheek quickly before slipping out of the hold that he was in and rolling onto the floor. He quickly clambered to his feet clumsily before running out the door, not sparing a second glance at his brother. His brother called out from behind him, "Tsukki, where are you going? You seemed to like what happened last time." But he kept his head down, his cheeks stained with salty tears and fucking ran.

Blindly tearing through the house the reality of the situation hit him hard now that he was free from the grasp of his brother. His mind was still cloudy with panic and disgust, but somehow through all of the panic, his brain managed to register what happened. He gagged. Oh god. His brother just kissed him. His brother just tried to force himself on him.  _ Fuck. _ That wasn't even the sickest part. The worse thing is that his brother said that this  _ has happened before. _

He felt sick.

He felt sick and dirty. Changing his direction from running to his room, he ran into the bathroom slamming the door behind him and locking it. Turning the shower to the hottest temperature, he curled up into a ball on the mat, the thin material doing nothing to prevent the coldness of the tile floor from seeping into his body.

He couldn't prevent his thoughts from spiraling as he became more and more aware of what happened. His brother tried to force himself onto him. Tsukishima dug his nails into his arms trying to ground himself as his thoughts got worse and worse, as he got closer and closer to remembering what had happened. He gagged at the lingering feeling of a foreign tongue in his mouth. Sure he's kissed his boyfriends before, but that was different. Everything was different about that, it wasn't his brother's tongue in his mouth then. He wiped the tears and saliva from his cheeks and around his mouth, and tried to swallow the pooling spit in his mouth.

He struggled to force the slimy, clear liquid down his throat. It wouldn't have mattered in the end because as soon as he got it down his stomach twisted and nausea gripped him as he lunged to the toilet barely making it over as his stomach squeezed causing him to cough up the previously clear liquid into the porcelain bowl. He took a deep breath before he threw up again choking out the bile into the toilet. He panted in-between the heaves that wracked his body as his stomach continued to force anything and everything out of it until he was left dry heaving.

He spit out the remaining residue that was left in his mouth as he stood up, his knees cracking from kneeling on them for too long. Undressing himself, he stepped into the shower. The scalding water burned his skin, but he couldn't seem to care. All he could think of was the fact that he was dirty and he needed to be clean.

By the time his shower was done he had used up half a bottle of soap and his skin was red and hot to the touch. But he felt clean. Well, he felt clean physically. Mentally, he felt disgusting. Tsukishima quickly realized that in his rush around the house, he didn't have a change of clean clothing, but there was no way he was going to walk around the house only wrapped in a towel, even if his room was only. A couple feet down the hall. He pulled on his shirt and pants, draping the used towel securely on the hook behind the door. He carefully poked his head out of the door and looked around cautiously. Having deemed the coast safe, he sprinted down the hallway as quietly as he could before locking the door securely behind him.

Back pressed against the door he breathed heavily as he slowly slid down the door, his legs folded underneath him. Tsukishima's eyes burned as tears boiled over and spilt, slowly cascading down his cheeks. Realization hit him anew at what just happened and he openly sobbed. His breathing hitched in his throat and he could feel his whole form shaking violently.

Dragging himself over to his bed, he collapsed onto the bed. He was too distraught to do anything but roll over and check the time, 8:03 pm. All of that had happened in less than an hour. He cried silently as he got lost in his mind, but slowly he drifted off to sleep and started to dream.

_...Akiteru… _

_ What are you doing? _

_ Why'd you do that? _

_ I-I don't like this. _

_ Don't worry little brother, I promise this will make you feel good. _

_ It doesn't. It doesn't. Stop. It hurts. It  _ **_hurts. It hurts._ **

_ Please...stop…I don't want this... _

Tsukishima shot up with a gasp. He remembers now. He remembers what happened. What  _ he _ did. He doesn't even think that he can call that bastard his brother anymore. Not after what he did. Not after what he'd done.

He now knows why he always acted that way. Why everything felt so off with him. He remembers now. He remembers screaming, pleading for him to stop. He remembers his brother's husky voice. He remembers it all, and he wished he didn't. If he just didn't remember he could pretend it never happened. He could be happy. But no, his memories had to be triggered by the same person who did something traumatizing enough that his brain forced him to forget. His brother, Akiteru, raped him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Feel free to leave a kudos or a comment.
> 
> Stay safe.


	2. I promise, I'm trying to forget.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the unintentional...month long wait...

He was eleven when it happened. Eleven and naive. He made the mistake of listening to him, and he paid the price in the end.

  


He brought his hands up to his face, pressing his palms into his eyes only faintly noticing the drops of liquid salt squeezing out of the sides. His breathing ragged as he tried to breathe. He felt like he was suffocating, like something was on his chest, trying to press him down under the water. He struggled to breathe, to see, to break the bonds that kept him strapped down.

  


A choked noise came from his throat as he tried to breathe. He closed his eyes, his breathing speeding up as he fought for the oxygen his body craved. Pictures and scenes flashed through his head, memories on rewind like a video camera replaying the same scene, but each time they cycled it got clearer and clearer. The footage got less grainy and the audio got clearer.

  


Tsukishima's breath hitched as he lurched over the side of his bed and retched, his stomach trying to empty itself again. He took a gasping breath in before he jerked forward again, his head dipping down, chin tapping against his chest, as he curled forward and expelled a thin trickle of bike out of his mouth. The noise he was making successfully woke his mother up and after a brief moment of shock, rushed to his aid.

  


"Oh, Kei...just breathe. Don't worry about the mess, I'll clean it up," his mother cooed at him as he gagged.

  


He opened his mouth as soon as he heard her, "I-" his breath hitched and he was back to heaving. He wanted nothing more to tell her what his brother did. He wanted to tell her that he raped him. Akiteru raped him. Tsukishima wanted nothing more than to say those three words, but his breathing hitched when he tried.

  


He felt dirty, disgusted at what happened to him. What he let happen to him. It wasn't worth telling his mother. I mean, who says that she'd even believe him. He already lost one family member to him, he couldn't lose another. She'd call him a liar too. His brother would never do that in their eyes. After all, he was the ideal child to them. He spent time around his family, put forth the effort in what he did, and he helped out. Why would they believe him? Tsukishima Kei, second son, snarky and quiet, he was there but never present, and only cared about his grades.

  


Yeah…

  


No way he's gonna tell them.

  


They're not gonna believe a word.

  


He was brought back to the present as his mother wiped his mouth with a cloth.

  


"Do you feel sick, Kei?" Her eyes shined with worry, and her brow crinkled in concern, solidifying his decision. They won't know. Ever. He'll take this secret to his grave.

  


He shook his head slightly to clear his head, "I, uh, yes."

  


It was a good cover story after all. He gets to lay in bed, and think about what happened and what his next move will be. He can have one day to cry about it, to process it, and tomorrow he’ll go back to school like everything is normal. The volleyball team can handle themselves for one day. Yamaguchi can survive one day without him. It's a day’s break then it’s back to his routine.

  


“Do you want to miss school? Akiteru will be around the house today. He can watch and take care of you?”

  


Ah, right. He forgot about that. He could skip school, but it would mean that he’d be stuck in the same house as him for the whole day, and who knows what he’ll do. Suddenly, the thought of skipping didn’t seem all that appealing anymore.

  


“I, uh, no, it’s fine. I can go to school.”

  


“Are you sure? You shouldn't go to school if you feel too sick. It won't be too bad if you skipped one day, and you can get Tadashi to bring you the work you missed,” his mom tried to reassure him to skip a day, but Tsukishima’s mind was made up. He wasn’t going to be in a house with that monster.

  


“It’s fine.” He glanced at the clock, 4:41 am flashing across the screen. He leaves for school in about two hours and twenty minutes, and it’s about two hours from now that Yamaguchi will show up at his doorstep waiting for him so they could walk to school together. That leaves him with about an hour more of sleep, but after that, he doesn’t think he can sleep anymore. His memories are coming back as if an invisible barrier was being lifted from his mind allowing a river of forgotten things was swept back into his consciousness. It started as a slow trickle, but every moment the wave grew larger and larger.

  


He’s tired, but his mind is haunted by memories of his suppressed past, and he spends the next hours twisting and turning before he falls into a fitful sleep, riddled with nightmares.

  


All too soon he is being shaken awake by the blaring noise of his clock. Groaning, he rolled over out of bed. Exhausted from his lack of sleep and reliving his past, he felt anything but ready to start the day. Nevertheless, he rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom to go brush his teeth.

  


To put it bluntly, he was awfully distracted as he got ready, having to run up and down the stairs to retrieve the things that he had forgotten. As he was sitting at the dining room table, the doorbell rang and he swung his bags over his shoulder before opening the door to greet Tadashi.

  


“Morning, Tsukki. Are you ready for school?”

  


Tsukishima repressed a flinch at the nickname stirred unwanted memories before taking a deep breath and reminding himself that this was Yamaguchi Tadashi. His childhood friend who had dated no one and got incredibly flustered at a lot of things. He was also the kid who cried for five minutes over accidentally killing a fly when they were younger. Yeah, he could deal with Yamaguchi calling him Tsukki.

  


Tsukishima shrugged, “I’d look forward to it more if I didn’t have to see those two dumbasses every day.”

  


Yamaguchi giggled at his comment, “They aren’t that bad, Tsukki, you know you like them deep down.”

  


“How deep do you exactly mean when you say that,” having said that he started on his way to school, pulling his white headphones over his ears, the beginning of a song started to play through them. Yamaguchi jogged a couple of steps before falling into a silent rhythm as they walked side by side.

  


As they arrived at school, they headed to their homeroom and settled down at their desks. Yamaguchi pulled out a notebook to doodle in as Tsukishima stared off into space, his mind wandering absently, flipping through his thoughts. Occasionally a repressed memory would surface, but he’d shove it to the back of his mind to deal with later, and by later, he means somewhere between tonight and never. If he’s being honest, it’s probably gonna lean closer to never. After all, it’s technicalities, he doesn’t need to deal with his memories and stuff, along with all the possible trauma he’s gathered from repressing his memories, and pretending now that none of this matters.

  


The teacher walked into the room and cleared his throat, slipping his headphones around his neck, he watched as Yamaguchi closed his notebook, shutting off his phone and tucking it into his bag. Staring ahead blankly at the blackboard as he tried fruitlessly to tune in to the monotone droning of his teacher, he came to the conclusion that today was not gonna be a fun day.

  


...Scratch that...as his mind kept trying to dive into the deep end of his repressed memories, he decided that today was gonna be a fucking shitty day.

  


The classes passed by one after another and soon it was lunchtime. Today, he wasn’t particularly hungry, but having skipped breakfast and having volleyball practice in the afternoon after school was let out, he determined that he needed to eat if he didn’t want to pass out in the middle of it...or did he. Either way, it wasn’t worth the fuss and concern he’d get if that were to happen, so he probably should eat, or at least drink something that’ll give him enough energy to last him through practice.

  


Looking down at his homemade bento that sat in his lap as he sat under a tree outside with Yamaguchi, he realized that his earlier goal of finishing his food seems quite unrealistic now that he’s actually attempting to do it. The food just didn’t look appetizing and he didn’t know if he could manage to eat half of it, nevermind the full thing. He could feel Yamaguchi staring at him as he pushed his food around in the container a bit, he was practically radiating concern at him.

  


Yamaguchi looked pointedly at the tall blonde next to him and Tsukishima winced knowing what he was gonna ask. “Aren’t you going to eat? You need your energy for practice today,” Yamaguchi commented as he cocked his eyebrow and stared at the untouched food in the container. “Or is something up? Do you feel sick or something?”

  


See, he could lie and say that he ate a big breakfast this morning, but this is Tadashi he’s talking about. I mean...sure, he has a couple of lies he could try. Like, he just wasn’t hungry or that he just didn’t want to eat? On second thought, he could just say that he didn’t feel that well, but then Yamaguchi might force him to skip practice, which means that he’ll have to go home earlier and be in a house alone with him, and he’ll pass on that. He could also just say he doesn’t feel that well but play it off as nothing big. He could always just man up and eat the food, he glanced down at the food again and felt his stomach roll unhappily at the sight of the food...maybe he’ll just stick with saying he doesn’t feel that good.

  


“I just feel a bit off, but it’s nothing bad, he mumbles under his breath, cringing at the way that Yamaguchi is staring at him, analyzing his appearance and everything.

  


“Hm. Alright, but let me know if it gets any worse, or if you want to skip practice, okay?”

  


Tsukishima breathed out a sigh in relief before humming in agreement. To be fair, he was never one to have a big appetite, and him skipping meals sometimes wasn’t unheard of, but the way Yamaguchi would stare at him as if he could figure everything out from just that one look was kinda unsettling. At least he believed him for now though.

  


The rest of lunch was spent with Tsukishima spacing out as Yamaguchi talked to him for a bit before realizing that he wasn’t really up for talking, eventually fading into a comfortable silence between the two of them. The bell rang, jolting Tsukishima out of his mind as the two of them hastily rose to pack their bentos aways and head to their next class.

  


As the same as this morning, Tsukishima was unable to tune in to the monotone lectures that the teachers gave. He quickly gave up trying to take notes this morning and was idly drawing lines across a blank sheet in his notebook. He could always ask Yamaguchi to borrow his notes later.

  


Soon enough the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. As he packed up his schoolbag, Yamaguchi approached him, “Do you want to skip club today, Tsukki? You seemed pretty spaced out today.”

  


Damn Yamaguchi and his ability to read Tsukishima like an open book. Tsukishima could read Yamaguchi pretty well too, but Yamaguchi always seemed to have a sixth sense for anything when it came down to Tsukishima, so if he was going to try to hide this, he’ll have to be extra cautious around him. “Yeah, it’s nothing bad, I just feel a bit off.”

  


Yamaguchi still looked hesitant about letting Tsukishima attend afternoon practice and opened his mouth to say something before Tsukishima cut in, “I’ll tell you if it gets worse, and I’ll stop if it gets too bad, okay?” Of course, he had no intention of doing either of them, but Yamaguchi didn’t need to know that did he?

  


Nodding, Yamaguchi still looked skeptical, but he fixed Tsukishima with a look that said that he better do what he said he’d do. Tsukishima sighed, swinging his bag over his shoulder, “Come on, we’re going to be late.” Having said that he turned and started off on his way to the gym, Yamaguchi rushed to follow him.

  


Arriving at the gym, they quickly dropped off their stuff and changed before heading into the gym where a collection of loud noises greeted them. The two dumbasses of their team were practicing their spikes and sets alongside Sugawara, Asahi, and Tanaka, Daichi and Nishinoya were receiving the spikes, and the rest of the team were off practicing their respectful drills.

  


Yamaguchi grabbed a volleyball from the floor and headed over to one of the courts to work on his jump serve, leaving Tsukishima alone at the entrance to the gym. Hinata, having spotted him, waved enthusiastically, “Hey! Tsukishima! Come block some of our spikes!”

  


He sighed. Well, at least that'll serve as a decent distraction from everything going on in his head. Walking over to the freak duo he watched as they both stared at him with mirrored expressions of shock, Hinata commented loudly to Kageyama, “I didn’t actually expect him to come over.”

  


Tsukishima smirked, “Why? Scared that you can’t get a spike through my block?”

  


“Haa? I can blast through your block no problem, Stingyshima!”

  


Tsukishima got into position, “Then do it if it’s so easy.”

  


Kageyama set the ball to Hinata who spiked it, but it was blocked by Tsukishima. “Why don’t you focus on growing taller instead of talking trash that you can’t follow up with?”

  


Hinata squawked offended before demanding for Kageyama to set another ball, in which he proceeded to miss as he jumped too early. “Hinata! You dumbass! You’re supposed to hit the ball!”

  


“Ack! Sorry!”

  


Tsukishima sighed, this was going to be a long practice.

  


An hour later and he was struggling to keep up with everyone else. He was far from the same level of athletic ability as some people on the team, but he wasn’t the worst. He wasn’t sure that practice has ever been this hard before. His breaths came in short pants as they ran laps inside the gym. It was too hot inside, but he couldn’t just walk out of the gym in the middle of practice.

  


He could feel Yamaguchi’s stare as he watched Tsukishima from where he jogged beside the blond. Sweat dripped down his face and he jostled his glasses as he wiped it off with his hand. He felt lightheaded, and it was probably not a good idea to skip lunch and breakfast.

  


The rhythm of his feet hitting the floor was growing unsteady as the seconds ticked by. His vision blurred from the lack of food and exertion, both physical and mental, that occurred throughout the day. His vision doubled for a second and he slowed his pace slightly, his strides getting slightly shorter, as he blinked slowly a couple of times. Shaking his head from side to side, droplets of sweat dripping down his face, he watched as Yamaguchi slowed his pace to run next to him.

  


“Tsukki, are you okay? You seem sluggish today. Should you stop?”

  


“I’m...fine.” His vision doubled again, and he stumbled slightly, blinking rapidly as the dizziness didn’t pass. “A-Actually, I think I need to sit down or something…”

  


Yamaguchi looked at him in alarm, “What!”

  


Tsukishima was swaying from where he stood next to the freckled boy. Black spots dotted his vision as everything faded in and out of focus. Stumbling to the side, Yamaguchi was quick to support him so he wouldn’t fall and hit his head on the wooden floor of the gym.

  


By now, most of the team had recognized that something was wrong and were heading over to where the two boys stood. The black spots grew more rapidly along with the dizziness, and before their teammates reached the two boys, Tsukishima’s legs gave out and he fell into Yamaguchi who was quick to support him and lower him to the ground.

  


“Tsukki? Can you hear me?” Yamaguchi asked frantically as their teammates ran the rest of the way to where they were.

  


Tsukishima was tired, so tired, it wouldn’t hurt to close his eyes for a bit to rid himself of the dizziness and exhaustion, right? His team was surrounding him, telling him something, but he couldn’t hear them. He was underwater, nothing but the darkness surrounding him. He could see their faces and their mouths were moving but his vision was growing spotted, and soon the spots clouded his vision and he gave into the darkness.

  


Gaining consciousness was annoying, people were talking about something, and his mind was muddled. “He’s awake!” An orange blob shouted, and as his vision grew clearer, he recognized it as Hinata. He winced at the volume that everyone was talking to him at, and their voices and words clumped together.

  


“-so worried-”

  


“Do you know-”

  


“-scared me.”

  


“-he’s okay-”

  


“Tsukki!” That was Yamaguchi. As his childhood friend’s face came into view over his, he cringed at the look of worry in his eyes. “I told you to tell me if it got too bad! Not to wait until you passed out!” Tsukishima looked away, unwilling to look him in the eyes. Yamaguchi sighed, “You really worried us, you know? And I think I speak for all of us that if you need to talk to anyone about something, we’re here for you, okay? So, don’t keep it all to yourself.”

  


His brother’s kiss crossed his mind, but he shoved aside the thoughts in favor of sighing before nodding at the concerned face of his freckled friend. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and with all that's going on in the world right now, please try to stay safe.
> 
> Feel free to comment, I love seeing your thoughts and opinions on my writing.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave a comment or kudos, and thank you for reading this.
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome.
> 
> Have a nice day.


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